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And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?
"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie
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So I've had a lot on my mind lately. And one of those things is love. Just love in general. Things I feel, things I want, things I realize that I need. And remembering things. So I decided that I'm just going to put my thoughts here. Which means this post is going to jump around a bit, but if you don't like it then GTFO its my blog not yours.
I posted those lyrics because not only do I happen to enjoy the song, but the words strike me. Especially the last two lines. I find them to be true. When you love someone, you want to be with them forever but we are human and we die. Whether its age or sickness or injury, we are all forced to sit by and watch as the people we love die. Because everyone is slowly going towards death. And when someone is close to death, you can gauge how much the people around them care by how long they stay around to watch them die. The people who really love you will sit there and hold your hand and be there constantly as much as they can and will be there right up until you die. As the love becomes less serious and more friendly, the time spent decreases and they won't touch you and they may or may not be there when you actually go, and then acquaintances will maybe stop in and give condolences and best wishes, and those who don't care won't even know.
I think about these things and I realized that there is someone who I would sit there and watch. I would hold their hand and only leave when forced to. I would stay there and I would wait and I would watch and I would want to be there when they die. But I don't really know how much they would wait around for me. Probably not nearly as long as I would. But that's love for ya. You never really know whether or not the other person cares as much as you do.
When I think of romance I don't think of it as I hear most people think of it. Often times people say that a woman finds her prince who makes her feel like a princess and blah blah. I'm sure everyone knows the sentiment. And a lot of people find that sentiment to be romantic. I find that to be.... a suffocating notion. First, I don't need someone to rescue me. I'm not really the princess type and I don't really like the notion of it. And a prince is someone that is usually more powerful and more important than a princess. So fuck that. I watch that kind of shit and I gag. So what's my version of romance? My version is that of the relationship between a guardian and their charge. The kind of thing you read in maybe a faerie tale, not a fairy tale. Tales that involve magic and supernatural beings. I am more of a warrior queen or a goddess type of girl. I run my own shit and I take care of things myself. I'm strong and fierce and I will rip your damn throat out. But everyone has weak moments. That's why there's a guardian. Not just a guard, but someone who is always there. They watch and guard from threats that I can't take care of myself. They stop me from doing things that will hurt me and watch out for not only my safety but also my health. And they protect not just from physical but from emotional pains. When their charge is distressed they make them draw back. Even slight changes in emotion are detected and watched over. They are there for their charge whenever they need it. That's romantic to me. I want someone who lets me run my own show but doesn't let me rush into things that are bad for me. Someone who knows I can fight my own battles but that I can't dodge bullets. Someone who notices even the slightest facial changes or looks and can tell when I'm upset. Someone who is always there and takes care of me when I need it. But who isn't seen as being in charge of me. I often think of things in terms of BDSM so what I would need is someone who is dominant but submits to me. Because I need someone to match me. I'm a dominant who will only submit to the right person. The only type of person that can go well with that is someone of the same demeanor.
I'm also not huge on the concept of marriage. It's just not important to me. I'm ok with being in that couple that has been dating for ages and lives together and whatever else but that isn't married. I'm not necessarily against getting married but I'm not really that concerned. I most certainly won't marry someone any time soon, but if I've been dating someone for a long time and I feel I'm ready for it and they really want it, then I'm ok with getting married. But I'm just not a white picket fence kind of girl. I don't really think that I will ever really want children or anything like that so why worry about something like marriage? It's pretty much just a title these days anyway. I can see myself maybe getting married down the road, but I'm not really too concerned with it. All I want is to be with the person I love. That's what I care about.
So where is my love life currently? I have officially fallen in love with someone. Not entirely and completely, but fairly intensely.He fits my needs and desires very well and I spend most of my time with him. Of course, like everything in my life, there is a downside. He's got a girlfriend. Ouch. Yeah I might be kinda a terrible person for still seeing him even when I'm aware that there's a girlfriend. But I don't really give a fuck. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I didn't think I would. When I started seeing him I pretty much figured we would just stay regular friends. But there was an almost instant spark and then when I started really talking to him, I just got that much more interested. I always seem to be getting myself into these messy situations. And I get myself hurt. I've always been ok with the idea of open relationships. I don't mind if my boyfriend sees some random girl and she just really does it for him and he just wants to fuck her. I'm usually the type of girl who would be ok with telling him to go ahead and fuck her. Because its just fucking and it isn't really anything that matters. But I honestly am unsure of how well I would handle it with him. And when he's with his girlfriend it just crushes me. I can't stand it. I get angry and aggitated and I can't sleep because all I can do is think that he's with someone else. And that he isn't really mine. I'm very much so his, but he is not mine. And I'm a very possesive type of person. The people I love are mine. I don't mind sharing them, but in the end they are still mine. And here I am with someone who I want to be mine SO FUCKING BAD and they aren't. They belong to someone else. And that just crushes me. It hurts pretty bad. But I guess I was kind of asking for it. Right now I'm just glad I get him at all. And I will enjoy it while I can.
And I'm going to cut myself off at that or else this will just go on forever.
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