Now that we're done....

Everybody get down

She's just a friend, you see
You always agree
You know I lie but you still trust me
And you believed with so much hope
But I'm the one that let you go

Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x2

Woah oh oh oh
everybody get down. [x2]

Everybody get down.

You still call my phone
Cause you still want me
I'll tell my friends you're so annoying
You'll cry and curse when you're alone
But laugh and flirt when we're on the phone

Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x2

Woah oh oh oh
everybody get down. [x2]
everybody get down.

Now I see you with him
And it was nothing like I thought it'd be(2X)
(And I'll break down)
Now I see you with him
And it was nothing like I thought it'd be
(And I'll break down)
Now I see you with him
It was nothing like I thought it'd be

Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x3

Whoa oh oh oh
Everybody get down [x2]
Everybody get down

Now That We're Done- Metro Station
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I am really feeling that song right now. Because right now I'm in a place where I think I might be let go. The guy that I fell in love with told his girlfriend about us. And instead of it being that he was leaving her like he originally said he would, it turned into indecision and now I think I'm fighting a losing battle. Because I talked to him and it sounds more like he wants to be with her than me. I want to believe that he will decide to be with me. I want to. But past experience says otherwise and I find it hard to believe that I can even come close to competing with someone he's been with for almost 2 years. I knew that this would happen. That he would tell her and she would offer forgiveness in exchange for giving me up. And I wanted to believe him when he told me that he couldn't just drop me. I did believe him. I was actually kinda shocked when I got the text in the morning saying that he needed time and space to figure things out. I really trusted him at his word. Because I love him and I thought that the incredible connection that we have would be worth losing her over. She's had 2 years to figure out not only that there is an issue in their relationship but also to fix it. If I spotted his dissatisfaction a year ago when I only just met him, then surely someone who is that close to him should be able to see it too. But no. And now he feels that he hasn't given her a chance to fix it, when really he has. And I haven't even gotten a chance to prove that I can really make him happy and that I can give him what he wants and needs. I am not even being given the same chance and I wish that I was. Because if I just got the same chance she has then I know I would succeed.

It seems as though every time I let go and I let myself really get close to someone, there always comes a point where they must choose between me and something else. My best friend, an over possessive father, a cocaine addiction. I've always lost. I'm never good enough to give up the other thing for. That's why I keep my distance. I don't let myself just love someone and trust them fully because when I do, this always happens. Every time. I have my little rules and habits for reasons. People call me cold and a bitch, but at least I don't find myself in these positions where I'm just hurt and alone and there's nothing I can do about it. If I keep my distance then I can keep myself far enough away from the terrible feelings that come with getting tossed aside. Like used trash. I can lose people I care about. I've had to do that me whole life and I've gotten good at it. I can't lose people that I love. Because people I love are few and far between.

I know I was kinda asking for it, putting myself in that position like that. But what we had was strong. And I couldn't resist. I let myself get caught up and I let myself trust him. And I really trusted him. And now here I am. Fighting a battle I can't win. But I'm fighting anyway. I know I'll probably lose. But I still have to try. I'll give him the space he asked for. I've done what I can. I laid out everything for him to see and he knows his options. But now its time to let him do his thing. Its really hard for me, especially with all the other shit in That's all I really want. If he really thinks that she'll make him happy then that's what he gets. I don't think she can, but its not my opinion that matters. It will be hard. Really really hard. But that's my life for you. I don't get the things that I want and I get so much shit that I don't deserve. I never get the things I want and I know better than to want things. I gotta stop letting myself do that. I could never hate him and I can't really be angry at him. He's just doing what he thinks is best for him. I wish that I could be good enough, that I could be what he wants. But I might not be. Who knows. I just have to wait and see. So that's what I'm going to do now. Wait.