Everybody get down
She's just a friend, you see
You always agree
You know I lie but you still trust me
And you believed with so much hope
But I'm the one that let you go
Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x2
Woah oh oh oh
everybody get down. [x2]
Everybody get down.
You still call my phone
Cause you still want me
I'll tell my friends you're so annoying
You'll cry and curse when you're alone
But laugh and flirt when we're on the phone
Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x2
Woah oh oh oh
everybody get down. [x2]
everybody get down.
Now I see you with him
And it was nothing like I thought it'd be(2X)
(And I'll break down)
Now I see you with him
And it was nothing like I thought it'd be
(And I'll break down)
Now I see you with him
It was nothing like I thought it'd be
Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x3
Whoa oh oh oh
Everybody get down [x2]
Everybody get down
Now That We're Done- Metro Station
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am really feeling that song right now. Because right now I'm in a place where I think I might be let go. The guy that I fell in love with told his girlfriend about us. And instead of it being that he was leaving her like he originally said he would, it turned into indecision and now I think I'm fighting a losing battle. Because I talked to him and it sounds more like he wants to be with her than me. I want to believe that he will decide to be with me. I want to. But past experience says otherwise and I find it hard to believe that I can even come close to competing with someone he's been with for almost 2 years. I knew that this would happen. That he would tell her and she would offer forgiveness in exchange for giving me up. And I wanted to believe him when he told me that he couldn't just drop me. I did believe him. I was actually kinda shocked when I got the text in the morning saying that he needed time and space to figure things out. I really trusted him at his word. Because I love him and I thought that the incredible connection that we have would be worth losing her over. She's had 2 years to figure out not only that there is an issue in their relationship but also to fix it. If I spotted his dissatisfaction a year ago when I only just met him, then surely someone who is that close to him should be able to see it too. But no. And now he feels that he hasn't given her a chance to fix it, when really he has. And I haven't even gotten a chance to prove that I can really make him happy and that I can give him what he wants and needs. I am not even being given the same chance and I wish that I was. Because if I just got the same chance she has then I know I would succeed.
It seems as though every time I let go and I let myself really get close to someone, there always comes a point where they must choose between me and something else. My best friend, an over possessive father, a cocaine addiction. I've always lost. I'm never good enough to give up the other thing for. That's why I keep my distance. I don't let myself just love someone and trust them fully because when I do, this always happens. Every time. I have my little rules and habits for reasons. People call me cold and a bitch, but at least I don't find myself in these positions where I'm just hurt and alone and there's nothing I can do about it. If I keep my distance then I can keep myself far enough away from the terrible feelings that come with getting tossed aside. Like used trash. I can lose people I care about. I've had to do that me whole life and I've gotten good at it. I can't lose people that I love. Because people I love are few and far between.
I know I was kinda asking for it, putting myself in that position like that. But what we had was strong. And I couldn't resist. I let myself get caught up and I let myself trust him. And I really trusted him. And now here I am. Fighting a battle I can't win. But I'm fighting anyway. I know I'll probably lose. But I still have to try. I'll give him the space he asked for. I've done what I can. I laid out everything for him to see and he knows his options. But now its time to let him do his thing. Its really hard for me, especially with all the other shit in That's all I really want. If he really thinks that she'll make him happy then that's what he gets. I don't think she can, but its not my opinion that matters. It will be hard. Really really hard. But that's my life for you. I don't get the things that I want and I get so much shit that I don't deserve. I never get the things I want and I know better than to want things. I gotta stop letting myself do that. I could never hate him and I can't really be angry at him. He's just doing what he thinks is best for him. I wish that I could be good enough, that I could be what he wants. But I might not be. Who knows. I just have to wait and see. So that's what I'm going to do now. Wait.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Not a fan of obvious titles
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?
"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I've had a lot on my mind lately. And one of those things is love. Just love in general. Things I feel, things I want, things I realize that I need. And remembering things. So I decided that I'm just going to put my thoughts here. Which means this post is going to jump around a bit, but if you don't like it then GTFO its my blog not yours.
I posted those lyrics because not only do I happen to enjoy the song, but the words strike me. Especially the last two lines. I find them to be true. When you love someone, you want to be with them forever but we are human and we die. Whether its age or sickness or injury, we are all forced to sit by and watch as the people we love die. Because everyone is slowly going towards death. And when someone is close to death, you can gauge how much the people around them care by how long they stay around to watch them die. The people who really love you will sit there and hold your hand and be there constantly as much as they can and will be there right up until you die. As the love becomes less serious and more friendly, the time spent decreases and they won't touch you and they may or may not be there when you actually go, and then acquaintances will maybe stop in and give condolences and best wishes, and those who don't care won't even know.
I think about these things and I realized that there is someone who I would sit there and watch. I would hold their hand and only leave when forced to. I would stay there and I would wait and I would watch and I would want to be there when they die. But I don't really know how much they would wait around for me. Probably not nearly as long as I would. But that's love for ya. You never really know whether or not the other person cares as much as you do.
When I think of romance I don't think of it as I hear most people think of it. Often times people say that a woman finds her prince who makes her feel like a princess and blah blah. I'm sure everyone knows the sentiment. And a lot of people find that sentiment to be romantic. I find that to be.... a suffocating notion. First, I don't need someone to rescue me. I'm not really the princess type and I don't really like the notion of it. And a prince is someone that is usually more powerful and more important than a princess. So fuck that. I watch that kind of shit and I gag. So what's my version of romance? My version is that of the relationship between a guardian and their charge. The kind of thing you read in maybe a faerie tale, not a fairy tale. Tales that involve magic and supernatural beings. I am more of a warrior queen or a goddess type of girl. I run my own shit and I take care of things myself. I'm strong and fierce and I will rip your damn throat out. But everyone has weak moments. That's why there's a guardian. Not just a guard, but someone who is always there. They watch and guard from threats that I can't take care of myself. They stop me from doing things that will hurt me and watch out for not only my safety but also my health. And they protect not just from physical but from emotional pains. When their charge is distressed they make them draw back. Even slight changes in emotion are detected and watched over. They are there for their charge whenever they need it. That's romantic to me. I want someone who lets me run my own show but doesn't let me rush into things that are bad for me. Someone who knows I can fight my own battles but that I can't dodge bullets. Someone who notices even the slightest facial changes or looks and can tell when I'm upset. Someone who is always there and takes care of me when I need it. But who isn't seen as being in charge of me. I often think of things in terms of BDSM so what I would need is someone who is dominant but submits to me. Because I need someone to match me. I'm a dominant who will only submit to the right person. The only type of person that can go well with that is someone of the same demeanor.
I'm also not huge on the concept of marriage. It's just not important to me. I'm ok with being in that couple that has been dating for ages and lives together and whatever else but that isn't married. I'm not necessarily against getting married but I'm not really that concerned. I most certainly won't marry someone any time soon, but if I've been dating someone for a long time and I feel I'm ready for it and they really want it, then I'm ok with getting married. But I'm just not a white picket fence kind of girl. I don't really think that I will ever really want children or anything like that so why worry about something like marriage? It's pretty much just a title these days anyway. I can see myself maybe getting married down the road, but I'm not really too concerned with it. All I want is to be with the person I love. That's what I care about.
So where is my love life currently? I have officially fallen in love with someone. Not entirely and completely, but fairly intensely.He fits my needs and desires very well and I spend most of my time with him. Of course, like everything in my life, there is a downside. He's got a girlfriend. Ouch. Yeah I might be kinda a terrible person for still seeing him even when I'm aware that there's a girlfriend. But I don't really give a fuck. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I didn't think I would. When I started seeing him I pretty much figured we would just stay regular friends. But there was an almost instant spark and then when I started really talking to him, I just got that much more interested. I always seem to be getting myself into these messy situations. And I get myself hurt. I've always been ok with the idea of open relationships. I don't mind if my boyfriend sees some random girl and she just really does it for him and he just wants to fuck her. I'm usually the type of girl who would be ok with telling him to go ahead and fuck her. Because its just fucking and it isn't really anything that matters. But I honestly am unsure of how well I would handle it with him. And when he's with his girlfriend it just crushes me. I can't stand it. I get angry and aggitated and I can't sleep because all I can do is think that he's with someone else. And that he isn't really mine. I'm very much so his, but he is not mine. And I'm a very possesive type of person. The people I love are mine. I don't mind sharing them, but in the end they are still mine. And here I am with someone who I want to be mine SO FUCKING BAD and they aren't. They belong to someone else. And that just crushes me. It hurts pretty bad. But I guess I was kind of asking for it. Right now I'm just glad I get him at all. And I will enjoy it while I can.
And I'm going to cut myself off at that or else this will just go on forever.
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?
"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I've had a lot on my mind lately. And one of those things is love. Just love in general. Things I feel, things I want, things I realize that I need. And remembering things. So I decided that I'm just going to put my thoughts here. Which means this post is going to jump around a bit, but if you don't like it then GTFO its my blog not yours.
I posted those lyrics because not only do I happen to enjoy the song, but the words strike me. Especially the last two lines. I find them to be true. When you love someone, you want to be with them forever but we are human and we die. Whether its age or sickness or injury, we are all forced to sit by and watch as the people we love die. Because everyone is slowly going towards death. And when someone is close to death, you can gauge how much the people around them care by how long they stay around to watch them die. The people who really love you will sit there and hold your hand and be there constantly as much as they can and will be there right up until you die. As the love becomes less serious and more friendly, the time spent decreases and they won't touch you and they may or may not be there when you actually go, and then acquaintances will maybe stop in and give condolences and best wishes, and those who don't care won't even know.
I think about these things and I realized that there is someone who I would sit there and watch. I would hold their hand and only leave when forced to. I would stay there and I would wait and I would watch and I would want to be there when they die. But I don't really know how much they would wait around for me. Probably not nearly as long as I would. But that's love for ya. You never really know whether or not the other person cares as much as you do.
When I think of romance I don't think of it as I hear most people think of it. Often times people say that a woman finds her prince who makes her feel like a princess and blah blah. I'm sure everyone knows the sentiment. And a lot of people find that sentiment to be romantic. I find that to be.... a suffocating notion. First, I don't need someone to rescue me. I'm not really the princess type and I don't really like the notion of it. And a prince is someone that is usually more powerful and more important than a princess. So fuck that. I watch that kind of shit and I gag. So what's my version of romance? My version is that of the relationship between a guardian and their charge. The kind of thing you read in maybe a faerie tale, not a fairy tale. Tales that involve magic and supernatural beings. I am more of a warrior queen or a goddess type of girl. I run my own shit and I take care of things myself. I'm strong and fierce and I will rip your damn throat out. But everyone has weak moments. That's why there's a guardian. Not just a guard, but someone who is always there. They watch and guard from threats that I can't take care of myself. They stop me from doing things that will hurt me and watch out for not only my safety but also my health. And they protect not just from physical but from emotional pains. When their charge is distressed they make them draw back. Even slight changes in emotion are detected and watched over. They are there for their charge whenever they need it. That's romantic to me. I want someone who lets me run my own show but doesn't let me rush into things that are bad for me. Someone who knows I can fight my own battles but that I can't dodge bullets. Someone who notices even the slightest facial changes or looks and can tell when I'm upset. Someone who is always there and takes care of me when I need it. But who isn't seen as being in charge of me. I often think of things in terms of BDSM so what I would need is someone who is dominant but submits to me. Because I need someone to match me. I'm a dominant who will only submit to the right person. The only type of person that can go well with that is someone of the same demeanor.
I'm also not huge on the concept of marriage. It's just not important to me. I'm ok with being in that couple that has been dating for ages and lives together and whatever else but that isn't married. I'm not necessarily against getting married but I'm not really that concerned. I most certainly won't marry someone any time soon, but if I've been dating someone for a long time and I feel I'm ready for it and they really want it, then I'm ok with getting married. But I'm just not a white picket fence kind of girl. I don't really think that I will ever really want children or anything like that so why worry about something like marriage? It's pretty much just a title these days anyway. I can see myself maybe getting married down the road, but I'm not really too concerned with it. All I want is to be with the person I love. That's what I care about.
So where is my love life currently? I have officially fallen in love with someone. Not entirely and completely, but fairly intensely.He fits my needs and desires very well and I spend most of my time with him. Of course, like everything in my life, there is a downside. He's got a girlfriend. Ouch. Yeah I might be kinda a terrible person for still seeing him even when I'm aware that there's a girlfriend. But I don't really give a fuck. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I didn't think I would. When I started seeing him I pretty much figured we would just stay regular friends. But there was an almost instant spark and then when I started really talking to him, I just got that much more interested. I always seem to be getting myself into these messy situations. And I get myself hurt. I've always been ok with the idea of open relationships. I don't mind if my boyfriend sees some random girl and she just really does it for him and he just wants to fuck her. I'm usually the type of girl who would be ok with telling him to go ahead and fuck her. Because its just fucking and it isn't really anything that matters. But I honestly am unsure of how well I would handle it with him. And when he's with his girlfriend it just crushes me. I can't stand it. I get angry and aggitated and I can't sleep because all I can do is think that he's with someone else. And that he isn't really mine. I'm very much so his, but he is not mine. And I'm a very possesive type of person. The people I love are mine. I don't mind sharing them, but in the end they are still mine. And here I am with someone who I want to be mine SO FUCKING BAD and they aren't. They belong to someone else. And that just crushes me. It hurts pretty bad. But I guess I was kind of asking for it. Right now I'm just glad I get him at all. And I will enjoy it while I can.
And I'm going to cut myself off at that or else this will just go on forever.
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