A long needed update

So its been quite a while since I made any new entries. You can mostly thank depression for that. I've been slowly losing motivation and pleasure in anything over the past year in large quantities. So first I lost the enjoyment of writing, and after the enjoyment went away, it was no longer worth it to try. I was no longer able to overcome my motivation threshold, and just dropped it. But I'm going to try to take it up again.

Today, I went to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner. And I think this will work out well. I've been hesitant to go to doctors for my depression because last time I went, they just put me on meds with extreme hesitation and then supported me with about as much strength as a limp noodle. I was looking for  profession, guided help. What I got was someone who was wishy washy and acted like I should know how I want to be treated. She basically went "Well, I'm really unsure about everything, but here is what I THINK we should do, but feel free to say no(PLEASE say no), because I'm really unsure about helping you." You don't go to a doctor for that attitude. You go to a doctor to get a solution, to get help. A doctor is supposed to be all "Here's your problem. This isn't a 100% diagnosis, but seriously, its very likely. Here's how we can treat this problem. You are free to refuse, but I very much so highly recommend we do it. Here's the side effects for this treatment. But I think its worth it because I really think this is the best choice for you and here's why." That's how doctors should act. That's what I want my doctor to do, guide me as though they know what the fuck they're doing.

And that's what this guy did. I went in, and he just asked me lots of questions and instead of just saying, MEDS, he said SOLUTION. He didn't just look to solve everything by just giving me a prescription and sending me on my way. He wants to make me better. Yes, this means starting on medication. But the ultimate goal is helping me retrain and learn how to make my life less stressful and how to deal with it better and how to work around my predisposition to depression. And I've been having a lot of issues with attention and memory lately. Rather than just give me meds for that, he said that I need to fix my sleeping issues. Most doctors would just say ADD/ADHD, GIVE HER MEDS. But he asked further and figured out that I don't sleep much, and suffer from sleep deprivation. I expected my diagnosis to be depression(genetic)/ADHD. Instead I left with depression/predisposition/sleep disorder. So the first plan of action is to use meds to bring me up back into coping range rather than being stuck, then work to fix the sleep issues. Once that fixes, if I'm not much better, THEN he will consider ADD/ADHD. He gave me his opinion, explained himself thoroughly, and gave me a plan of action. He didn't expect me to give him my own plan of action or to object and just change it. He gave me a plan, and good reason to follow it. That and part of his plan is to fix my life. I'm prescribed to eat oatmeal for breakfast 3 times a week, real oatmeal, not in a package, because that's got lots of corn syrup, which is a bad plan for depression. Currently, I don't eat breakfast. So he's trying to fix that, because it attributes to the problem. He also told me the type of diet I should be on, but didn't expect me to necessarily change it immediately. He wants to fix my life so that although I have this problem, I'm better equipped to deal with it. And that's all I ever really wanted.

So for now, he put me on Welbutrin (most likely to help with the depression AND attention issues while we're working on fixing the sleep), and told me to take 1 mg of melatonin a couple hours before I want to go to bed to help train my body to move my circadian rhythm back to where I need it, and to eat oatmeal for breakfast at least 3 times a week to train my body to want to eat breakfast, plus oatmeal is apparently the best choice for people with depression as far as carbs go. Recommended to try not to eat carbs after lunch, protein and veggies for later in the day. And avoid caffeine more than 4 hours after waking up, since currently I'm using large doses of caffeine to counteract the large amounts of sleep deprivation. He gave me also a rough idea of how we will fix my sleep issues, but not to worry about that until the meds are leveled, probably 2 months from now. And I'm happy with this plan. He actually wants to fix the problem, not just cover it up.

I also liked that he hit the nail on the head when it came to identifying my psychology. Apparently, there are 3 types of emotional reaction people have. About 10% of the population are stoics. They have a very high reaction threshold, but when they react, its very sudden and usually fairly extreme. These people are usually very unemotional, but when they react, usually in anger, they react terribly. The reaction peaks, then slowly levels out. Then there's your average person, who has steady reactions and steady comedown from the reaction. Then there's the other 10% of people, who react a lot. They react very suddenly like the stoic, but they react much easier. And the reaction last longer before slowly leveling out. These people are usually CEOs, actors, those types. They attract people and are usually very creative. They also are very likely to have bipolar or depression disorders. They are hurt very easily. And that's me. I'm in the reactive 10%. He also identified that I'm very intelligent and far stronger than I seem, and have been through more than people generally tend to think. He actually was really bothered when I told him about how my stepfather used to punish us and expect us to behave, because he sees the true damage in it. He also looked to address any other physical problems I may have, such as thyroid problems or heart problems. I'm getting blood work and EKG done to make sure I don't have any problems beyond what I know already. He's very thorough, very knowledgeable, and very upfront. And I like that.

So, things are looking hopeful. We'll see how everything goes, but I think this guy is the best choice to help me through my issues.

Breaking the block

So it has been a long while since I wrote a post that I kept. I've started several, published, then deleted. Or just didn't finish and decided they weren't worth posting. But now I am ready to post something worthwhile.

I have determined that what I want in life is to be a successful artist. I don't know what kind of artist or in what way I will be in art, but art is my goal. It is what I want most in life. I have been hindered for several years by a terrible art block. No matter what, I just can't either see what I want, or hold on to it long enough to create it. But I'm done with that. I want to break that block. I am embarking on a personal journey to find the key to unlocking that part of me again. I don't know where it went, or why it went, just that it is blocked now. I will find a way to break through the barrier.

I am also determined to break my depression. As much as I know that science says I can't break it on my own, I WANT to. And therefor, I will do it. It has been dragging both myself and those around me down for too long. I realized that negativity is like a disease, and it spreads from one person to the next. I don't want to spread anger and sadness anymore. I'm tired of being that person, and I'm through with sleeping away a perfectly good day. I want more in this life, and I'm going to make it happen. I want to spread success and joy, not darkness and depression.

It may take me time. It will be a journey through myself. But I have set these a solid places that I must come to in order to be happy. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I WILL be happy. This I have set in myself to become truth. I will accomplish what I want, I will be successful.

A brief history

The glove compartment is inaccurately named
And everybody knows it.
So i'm proposing a swift orderly change.

Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all i find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east
To find yourself a better life.

I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head

Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night. 


Title and Registration- Death Cab For Cutie
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So recently on Facebook, there's been a bunch of posts where someone posts about a certain age they were and what was going on in their life, then if people like it you give them an age. I feel sort of inspired by those posts. So I wanted to do my own life here. Because if I did it on Facebook, it would be annoyingly spammy. So here we go:

When I was 19, I dated Sam Pearson, then Robert. I wanted to be a tattoo artist and I was still here in Wasilla. I met my soul mate, Neon. And she is the most beautiful thing on the planet. We had to finally put K'lah down.

When I was 18, I dated Justin Stade. I nearly married him, for no reason that I can explain. WORST BOYFRIEND EVER. For the first time, I cheated on someone. But I was perfectly fine with it. I also started dating Sam. I got another apartment. I met some really interesting people in the fetish community. For a short while, I wanted to be a researcher, but then decided to change my major to art. I was still in Wasilla.

When I was 17, I dated Chance Brinker, and Justin Stade. That was the year when I actually admitted that I had severe depression, and needed help. I was cutting at the time to cope, because when you reach a giant pit of despair, and you can't escape it, pain was the only thing that got my brain back on any semblance of a normal pace. I took pills for a short time, but they make me feel weird. When I was feeling normal again, I stopped. This is still a down hill struggle every year, and I may eventually need to take the pills again. I graduated high school. I spent the summer on an adventure to San Francisco, which is where many fond memories were formed. I liked it there. I also moved out of my parent's. Spent some time being basically homeless. Managed to get an apartment but also got abandoned by my roommate with 1000 in debt to the rental company. I spent the last half of that year being absolutely miserable. I hated my job. I was overworked, over-stressed, supporting two people on almost no money. That's why Justin was the worst. He spent his days playing games. That's it. He never kept a job for more than a couple weeks, never cleaned, never cooked. All I wanted to be at the time was in college. I missed being in school and I was tired of shit jobs. I had just moved back to Wasilla at the beginning of the year.

When I was 16, I dated Tom Baker, then Donnie Hoffman. That year started out with losing my virginity, but subsequently being found out by my mother, and having my life turned into hell. I was imprisoned. Literally. My parents had already had motion sensors on my door and detectors on my windows. I was trapped in my house, not allowed to go anywhere, because I had dared to have sex with my boyfriend of 2 years. My stepdad had also recently returned from war, and had PTSD. I was his main victim. I was miserable, and decided to move to Oregon with my dad. Tom was ok with this, until right before I left. But by then I had really fucked things with my mom, so I really kinda had to go. I spent the summer crying, eating ice cream, salt and vinegar chips, and red vines, watching the entire Sex and the City series. At the end of the summer, Tom decided my best friend, who also did not live anywhere near him (Washington), was better than me. He then spent the next 6 months turning a very large chunk of my high school class and group of friends against me, and there was nothing I could do because of distance. During the first week of school in OR, I was sitting in line at Taco Bell for lunch and a cute guy from one of my classes came up to me and said, "Um... excuse me but.... I want to eat your hair." which was orange and blue at the time. He was my first new friend. And I dated him. And he was a great guy. But he was the kind of guy that for me, made a great lover, but not a great life partner. I ended up moving back at the end of that year. I wanted to be a researcher.

When I was 15, I dated Tom Baker. And I was thoroughly entranced by him. He was my life, and he was all I ever wanted. I spent this year being mostly home-schooled. Because my parents deemed that a worthy punishment for misbehaving. Despite that, my mornings when I went to school were super awesome, with plenty of friends and the boyfriend that I was so dedicated to. But that was the only time I spent really feeling very happy. I was still in a fairly angsty place of puberty, and my parents treated me like shit. I spent much of my time feeling angry, or falling into deep depression. I was in Wasilla. I decided I wanted to be a researcher that year.

When I was 14, I dated Tom Baker. It was an immediate attraction. I had my first kiss. I spent the summer sneaking out a seeing him during the night down under a blanket in the middle of a baseball field near the school. It was a very happy time for me, full of discovery and closeness. Of course, my parents caught me. This is when they first turned my room in to a prison cell.  I couldn't even go pee without them breathing down my neck. My identity at school became Tom's girlfriend, because that was who I was. We spent all our school hours together. I didn't see him much outside of school, because I wasn't allowed to date. There wasn't much in my life outside of him. Mostly because my parents thought if they let me out of the house to go anywhere ever, I would be going on forbidden dates, so I never got to hang out with friends. I was in Wasilla, and I wanted to be a neurosurgeon.

When I was 13, my mom sent me to my dad's house. I was too "rebellious." At the time, the worst of my sins was verbally fighting back when they were treating me like shit. The first part of the year was the end of eighth grade, then I moved and started my freshman year. I found a group of friends. This same group was dissolved by the time I was back again my senior year. I tried cheer leading and I lettered. You should try lifting someone who is about your same size on your shoulders and holding them steady there. Or be the person trying to hold themselves up on almost no support. Its pretty difficult. I ended up moving back by spring break, but I was 14 by then. I lived in St. Helens, OR, and I wanted to be a chef I think.

When I was 12, I finished being home-schooled for seventh grade, and went to public school again for eighth grade. My best friends were Jessica, Kenna, and Liz. My dad got me my first pair of tripp pants, entering me into my goth stage, which lasted until I was 14, which it then turned into tripp skirts instead and was much more eclectic but still on the darker side. I got into manga, which my mom then deemed evil almost immediately. I also started to listen to the radio, to the rock stations. This was the first time I really got to listen to stuff that wasn't christian or country. I lived in Wasilla, and I wanted to be chef.

When I was 11, I was home-schooled. My crush was a boy at my my church named Sam Middendorf. My best friend was Jessica Clark, the next door neighbor. I got my first cat. But I was in a bad stage of life, and my mom ended up getting rid of her for being too jumpy. I hope that that kitty got a happier home somewhere else. I was just hitting puberty, and it was shitty. My depression had just come about. I had just moved to Wasilla and I wanted to be a scientist.

When I was 10, I was in fourth grade. I started going to the christian school. I didn't really have many friends, though I got along with the goofier kids in my class. I felt very suffocated by religion, having it in my face 6 days a week. I started hating the snow. It had lost its novelty. My parents started having issues with the fact that much of my times always has been spent alone in my room. I felt a general dissatisfaction with life. I live in Eagle River, AK. I wanted to be a scientist.

When I was 9, I went to Baxter Elementary. It was third grade. My best friend was Monica. My teacher was a badass. I spent my recess time playing make believe with Monica. Make believe was my number one favorite game to play in general during my childhood. We would be lions, or dragons, or unicorns, or cat, or whatever we wanted. Usually animals obviously. I went to the principals office for the first time ever, and it was as a witness. The one and only black kid in the entire third grade was in my class and decided this girl who was a really rude girl had called him a nigger. She said she had said something else. I was just dragged into it as someone who happened to be sitting at the lunch table next to them. When I started fourth grade, she was in a different class and we were no longer friends. My teacher then was also pretty cool. She had a falcon. And really liked me. We got our dog, K'lah. She was a huge malamute and she was the best dog ever. I lived in Anchorage, AK. I wanted to be a scientist.

When I was 8, my mom married my current stepdad. We moved to Alaska. My life started to suck. My stepdad immediately didn't like me. He came in and changed everything. Demanded to be called dad, even though my dad had an active part in my life. Spanked until blisters formed for stupid things that used to get us put in our rooms. Started giving us workouts for misbehaving. I spent much of my life being very very buff for a skinny little girl. Because I got them the most. We started going to church, and my family was suddenly a god fearing house. They took away pokemon (Japanese demons), Harry Potter (witchcraft), Yugioh (demonic), and many many other things. My life was completely destroyed and remade into my stepdad's image. I gave up on my individuality at that point until I was in high school, because that was easier and got me in less trouble. I lived in Anchorage, AK. I wanted to be a geologist.

When I was 7, I went to Condon Elementary for first/second grade. My best friend was Brianna. She was fun to play with, but she was also really annoying at times. It was an odd friendship. I spent a lot of time swimming and playing with Brianna. Every other week end, I went to my dad's house. On those Saturdays, we would get up really early and go to my grandpa's house which was next to my dad's and we would watch cartoons all morning and eat delicious breakfast, usually a bowl of fruit followed by hot chocolate, a muffin, and pudding. Best breakfast ever. This had been our ritual for several years. He would also make us lunch during those weekends. Usually grilled cheese and tomato soup or some of his delicious creamy veggie soup. The best days were days at grandpa's house. I still spent much of my time there after I moved and only visited during summer and winter break. He also had a really awesome dog named Chappy, who loved us to death. He died a few years back, and now my grandpa's new Chappy is not as awesome. He's a barker and kind of annoying. These were pretty awesome days for me. I lived in St. Helens, OR and I wanted to be a scientist.

When I was 6, it was the end of kindergarten and the beginning of first grade.  I went to Warren and Deer Creek elementary. For kindergarten I was in Warren right outside of St. Helens. My crush was the fat kid in class, but he was really nice. I dislocated my elbow. This later caused many issues with my elbow and I've had two surgeries on it. I got a bright pink cast. Then we moved to Tigard, which was on the other side of Portland I think. I was at Deer Creek Elementary. My mom was married to a guy named Dan. We got a yellow lab puppy name Sinka. I lived in Warren, OR and Tigard, OR. I don't remember what I wanted to be, probably a scientist.

When I was 5, I went to preschool and kindergarten. For preschool, I lived in St. Helens. We lived in several places. I loved my preschool. I played with the awesome wooden kitchen and had a blast being a kid. My mom cut my hair kinda short, and some boys made fun of me for it a lot. We moved to Scappoose for the first part of kindergarten. I went to scappoose elementary. I got a perm and looked ridiculous. I think my mom was married somewhere in the mix of that year.... I lived in Scappoose/St. Helen's. I don't remember what I wanted to be. 

I don't remember much from before that. My mom had two marriages before that, one to my dad, one to my younger brother's dad. We moved a lot. There's smaller details that I left out, but that's most of my life story right there. Most of my childhood was fairly unhappy. But I was good a pretending, and could pretend anything. 

When life loses its color

So I haven't posted in awhile because I found myself completely lacking in things to talk about. Every time I would try, nothing would come to me. But today I realized something great to talk about.

Depression. I'm not talking about what almost everyone calls depression, where you're sad and upset. That's not really depression usually, it's just sadness. I'm talking about true depression. Where your body doesn't want to move and there is no motivation to even continue breathing. Where you aren't just sad, you have been sucked into a void where only negativity and hopelessness exist. And it doesn't matter how much you tell yourself that its just the depression causing problems and you try to brush the bad feelings away, they just continue coming at you full force, trying to drown you in the terrible thoughts and feelings. And you can't escape.

That's true depression. Now a days when people become very sad, even sorrowful, they just call it depression. Every angsty teenager out there has said they were just feeling depressed or whatever. But that's not depression. Depression is not feeling down. Depression is like a void, where positive feelings no longer exist and it is completely devoid of hope. Its irritating that people do that, just write sadness or feeling down off as depression. Because then when people like me come along and express that I'm struggling with my depression today, I'm being an angsty teenager or a drama queen or I'm just pathetic. But it's not some stupid emotional thing for me. Its a chemical issue and it runs in my family. I try and try to just get out of it, to cheer myself up. But it really doesn't work that way and its insulting when people act like it is. Its like telling a psychotic that if they stop thinking they're hallucinating and just tell themselves its not real they will go away. Those people already try very hard to do that so obviously that doesn't really work. When your brain creates something, whether it is a hallucination or a state of mind, there isn't anything you can do about it. You can think that its just your sickness all you want and try to make it go away by thinking its not real, but that doesn't do a damn thing.

When you experience true depression, you experience it in two separate ways; physically and emotionally. Physically, you feel completely exhausted and downright tired. All you want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. Your whole body feels stuffed up, sort of swollen and numb feeling and everything feels dull. Yet you feel restless. You want to do something, but its like your body is too exhausted and any motivation you try to feel just gets sucked away. Getting up to do anything is a struggle and you have to fight with your own body to make it get up. Your body completely lacks a desire to fill its needs, such as food and drink, and when you think of food there is only the mental acknowledgement that your body needs food but your body just doesn't even want it and it feels like you honestly couldn't eat it anyway. So you lay in bed all day. Sometimes you sleep the entire day. Sometimes you just lay there.

Emotionally, you enter a void. A void where positive does not exist and only negative exists. You feel so completely and utterly hopeless. Your mind swirls with bad thoughts and feelings. And you try to just brush them off, to say its just the depression. And on a normal day when the depression isn't so bad, that would work. Normally you can simply push the negative aside and mentally reach out for positives. But on the bad days, when you reach out, its like there is nothing there. You think of things that make you happy, but instead your brain takes them and replaces them only with negative feelings. You can't push them back no matter how hard you try. It feels like the negativity is literally crushing you, like you are drowning in the absolute hopelessness and complete lack of anything good. Mixed with the physical side effects, you just give up. Usually you sleep because being awake is so miserable. There isn't truly a word that I feel is strong enough to communicate the feeling. There is just no hope, no point, no anything. Your existence becomes a vacuum, it becomes empty and nothing can give you a purpose. So you just sleep because what else can you really do?

No matter how much I fight and try to make it better, I can't. Its like I'm trapped under my own depression like a giant boulder has landed on me and no matter how hard I push, it won't budge. I spend my whole day trying to make it better. Instead of sleeping I try to read, go on the internet. I'll try to force food into my stomach and try to make myself get up and do things. And getting up really is a huge struggle. Because my motivation just disappears and I try to create more and it just dissolves. There really is just nothing, no need, no desire, no hope, no motivation. No anything. But my logic knows that its depression and knows that there are things I need to do. But doing those things is such a mental struggle. Eventually I am too mentally exhausted from trying to fight it and I give in to the tiredness and just go to sleep.

There are things that can sort of drag me up out of it. Not entirely but enough that my physical needs come back and I don't feel like I'm drowning. Generally it is a guy. Not just any boyfriend though. The ones who I really fell hard for, the ones I really loved. First, being around them makes my body release good hormones. Even in the chemical fuck that is depression, some of these other chemicals still work. One of them I know is oxytocin because physical contact in particular helps. Having them right there also takes a lot of the power away from the bad thoughts about them. Also, those guys I really loved have always made me laugh. I can't even help it. Since my logic still works, the things they say or do still register as funny, and it causes my body to respond in the form of laughter. And laughter releases a lot of good chemicals. For some reason, other guys just weren't very good at it, just the ones who really got me.

Today was one of the really bad days. Which is why I wanted to talk about it. The only relief I had was a phone call at about 5 from a certain guy who I am very much in love with and he made me laugh. So for about 15 minutes after he called the good effects were still sorta there. It helped me get up and do something. Helped stave off the utter hopelessness for just a little while. And I'm very thankful for it. But even now I'm having trouble. I'm starting to feel it leak away slowly, but its still very much there. Obviously I found the motivation to type this out, so that's good. I'm hoping that tomorrow it will be completely gone, or as gone as it ever it. It never really goes away. I'm always prone to negative thoughts and being hurt easily. Or even sometimes the physical effects sorta kick in and I'm exhausted a lot and don't do anything. I'm very glad that I'm a very mentally strong person. Or else I would lose myself to it. A lot of people look at me and think I'm weak and emotional. But they don't even know what its like for me, or how much effort its takes to smile sometimes. They don't understand how much I fight. Because everyday is a fight. Even the ones that aren't horrible, I still have to fight the negativity and remind myself that things are good and that there is plenty to be happy about. They don't understand what its like to have to fight a big heavy wave of terrible feelings every single day. They don't understand the complete lack of hope and light. There are a lot of people who kill themselves over it. A lot of people who just lay in bed and sleep for days or weeks at a time. People who drown themselves in drugs. But me? I keep fighting, even on the horrible horrible days when most would simply give up. So on the outside, I might seem weak. But I have come to realize that I'm strong. Even when others can't see it.

Its stupid that I have a mental disease and yet I am treated as some angsty teen and looked down on for it. And its frustrating. Its like I have a giant brick wall in my path and what I have to get through it changes from day to day based on how severe it is. Some days I have a hammer, some days I have explosives, and some days all I have are my hands. And its not some flimsy brick wall, its solid and several layers thick and stretches infinitely from side to side and up and down. The only way over it is through it. And even on the days when all I have is my hands and feet, I'm still kicking and punching and pushing into it. This is my struggle and I am looked down on for it. I would just like to see some of the people who are looking down on me try to make it through one of my bad days. Then they can judge me.

Well that's all I have to say for today.

At a loss.....

I find myself unable to come up with anything pertinent to talk about. But I need to give an update. So this will be short. I crossed out a few things on my list. I crossed out #8, which is most certainly easily explained by my last couple of posts. Crossed out #10, as I haven't taken hardly any photos. It is a failed task. #17, old heartaches became irrelevant after #8, now just to solve my current aches. #25, I was able to eat and enjoy a sushi roll. I hate seaweed, and it ruins the rolls for me. But I had one the other day and it was delicious. And lastly, #29, my hair is a rainbow right now.

And that is honestly all I have to say right now. I had an idea for a topic last night, but as the day went on I just kinda lost it. So hopefully I will think of something worthwhile sometime soon. Until then, this is all you get.

Now that we're done....

Everybody get down

She's just a friend, you see
You always agree
You know I lie but you still trust me
And you believed with so much hope
But I'm the one that let you go

Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x2

Woah oh oh oh
everybody get down. [x2]

Everybody get down.

You still call my phone
Cause you still want me
I'll tell my friends you're so annoying
You'll cry and curse when you're alone
But laugh and flirt when we're on the phone

Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x2

Woah oh oh oh
everybody get down. [x2]
everybody get down.

Now I see you with him
And it was nothing like I thought it'd be(2X)
(And I'll break down)
Now I see you with him
And it was nothing like I thought it'd be
(And I'll break down)
Now I see you with him
It was nothing like I thought it'd be

Now that we're done
I'm so sorry
Why did I lie I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you x3

Whoa oh oh oh
Everybody get down [x2]
Everybody get down

Now That We're Done- Metro Station
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I am really feeling that song right now. Because right now I'm in a place where I think I might be let go. The guy that I fell in love with told his girlfriend about us. And instead of it being that he was leaving her like he originally said he would, it turned into indecision and now I think I'm fighting a losing battle. Because I talked to him and it sounds more like he wants to be with her than me. I want to believe that he will decide to be with me. I want to. But past experience says otherwise and I find it hard to believe that I can even come close to competing with someone he's been with for almost 2 years. I knew that this would happen. That he would tell her and she would offer forgiveness in exchange for giving me up. And I wanted to believe him when he told me that he couldn't just drop me. I did believe him. I was actually kinda shocked when I got the text in the morning saying that he needed time and space to figure things out. I really trusted him at his word. Because I love him and I thought that the incredible connection that we have would be worth losing her over. She's had 2 years to figure out not only that there is an issue in their relationship but also to fix it. If I spotted his dissatisfaction a year ago when I only just met him, then surely someone who is that close to him should be able to see it too. But no. And now he feels that he hasn't given her a chance to fix it, when really he has. And I haven't even gotten a chance to prove that I can really make him happy and that I can give him what he wants and needs. I am not even being given the same chance and I wish that I was. Because if I just got the same chance she has then I know I would succeed.

It seems as though every time I let go and I let myself really get close to someone, there always comes a point where they must choose between me and something else. My best friend, an over possessive father, a cocaine addiction. I've always lost. I'm never good enough to give up the other thing for. That's why I keep my distance. I don't let myself just love someone and trust them fully because when I do, this always happens. Every time. I have my little rules and habits for reasons. People call me cold and a bitch, but at least I don't find myself in these positions where I'm just hurt and alone and there's nothing I can do about it. If I keep my distance then I can keep myself far enough away from the terrible feelings that come with getting tossed aside. Like used trash. I can lose people I care about. I've had to do that me whole life and I've gotten good at it. I can't lose people that I love. Because people I love are few and far between.

I know I was kinda asking for it, putting myself in that position like that. But what we had was strong. And I couldn't resist. I let myself get caught up and I let myself trust him. And I really trusted him. And now here I am. Fighting a battle I can't win. But I'm fighting anyway. I know I'll probably lose. But I still have to try. I'll give him the space he asked for. I've done what I can. I laid out everything for him to see and he knows his options. But now its time to let him do his thing. Its really hard for me, especially with all the other shit in That's all I really want. If he really thinks that she'll make him happy then that's what he gets. I don't think she can, but its not my opinion that matters. It will be hard. Really really hard. But that's my life for you. I don't get the things that I want and I get so much shit that I don't deserve. I never get the things I want and I know better than to want things. I gotta stop letting myself do that. I could never hate him and I can't really be angry at him. He's just doing what he thinks is best for him. I wish that I could be good enough, that I could be what he wants. But I might not be. Who knows. I just have to wait and see. So that's what I'm going to do now. Wait.

Not a fan of obvious titles

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And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?

"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie

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So I've had a lot on my mind lately. And one of those things is love. Just love in general. Things I feel, things I want, things I realize that I need. And remembering things. So I decided that I'm just going to put my thoughts here. Which means this post is going to jump around a bit, but if you don't like it then GTFO its my blog not yours.

I posted those lyrics because not only do I happen to enjoy the song, but the words strike me. Especially the last two lines. I find them to be true. When you love someone, you want to be with them forever but we are human and we die. Whether its age or sickness or injury, we are all forced to sit by and watch as the people we love die. Because everyone is slowly going towards death. And when someone is close to death, you can gauge how much the people around them care by how long they stay around to watch them die. The people who really love you will sit there and hold your hand and be there constantly as much as they can and will be there right up until you die. As the love becomes less serious and more friendly, the time spent decreases and they won't touch you and they may or may not be there when you actually go, and then acquaintances will maybe stop in and give condolences and best wishes, and those who don't care won't even know.

I think about these things and I realized that there is someone who I would sit there and watch. I would hold their hand and only leave when forced to. I would stay there and I would wait and I would watch and I would want to be there when they die. But I don't really know how much they would wait around for me. Probably not nearly as long as I would. But that's love for ya. You never really know whether or not the other person cares as much as you do.

When I think of romance I don't think of it as I hear most people think of it. Often times people say that a woman finds her prince who makes her feel like a princess and blah blah. I'm sure everyone knows the sentiment. And a lot of people find that sentiment to be romantic. I find that to be.... a suffocating notion. First, I don't need someone to rescue me. I'm not really the princess type and I don't really like the notion of it. And a prince is someone that is usually more powerful and more important than a princess. So fuck that. I watch that kind of shit and I gag. So what's my version of romance? My version is that of the relationship between a guardian and their charge. The kind of thing you read in maybe a faerie tale, not a fairy tale. Tales that involve magic and supernatural beings. I am more of a warrior queen or a goddess type of girl. I run my own shit and I take care of things myself. I'm strong and fierce and I will rip your damn throat out. But everyone has weak moments. That's why there's a guardian. Not just a guard, but someone who is always there. They watch and guard from threats that I can't take care of myself. They stop me from doing things that will hurt me and watch out for not only my safety but also my health. And they protect not just from physical but from emotional pains. When their charge is distressed they make them draw back. Even slight changes in emotion are detected and watched over. They are there for their charge whenever they need it. That's romantic to me. I want someone who lets me run my own show but doesn't let me rush into things that are bad for me. Someone who knows I can fight my own battles but that I can't dodge bullets. Someone who notices even the slightest facial changes or looks and can tell when I'm upset. Someone who is always there and takes care of me when I need it. But who isn't seen as being in charge of me. I often think of things in terms of BDSM so what I would need is someone who is dominant but submits to me. Because I need someone to match me. I'm a dominant who will only submit to the right person. The only type of person that can go well with that is someone of the same demeanor.

I'm also not huge on the concept of marriage. It's just not important to me. I'm ok with being in that couple that has been dating for ages and lives together and whatever else but that isn't married. I'm not necessarily against getting married but I'm not really that concerned. I most certainly won't marry someone any time soon, but if I've been dating someone for a long time and I feel I'm ready for it and they really want it, then I'm ok with getting married. But I'm just not a white picket fence kind of girl. I don't really think that I will ever really want children or anything like that so why worry about something like marriage? It's pretty much just a title these days anyway. I can see myself maybe getting married down the road, but I'm not really too concerned with it. All I want is to be with the person I love. That's what I care about.

So where is my love life currently? I have officially fallen in love with someone. Not entirely and completely, but fairly intensely.He fits my needs and desires very well and I spend most of my time with him. Of course, like everything in my life, there is a downside. He's got a girlfriend. Ouch. Yeah I might be kinda a terrible person for still seeing him even when I'm aware that there's a girlfriend. But I don't really give a fuck. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I didn't think I would. When I started seeing him I pretty much figured we would just stay regular friends. But there was an almost instant spark and then when I started really talking to him, I just got that much more interested. I always seem to be getting myself into these messy situations. And I get myself hurt. I've always been ok with the idea of open relationships. I don't mind if my boyfriend sees some random girl and she just really does it for him and he just wants to fuck her. I'm usually the type of girl who would be ok with telling him to go ahead and fuck her. Because its just fucking and it isn't really anything that matters. But I honestly am unsure of how well I would handle it with him. And when he's with his girlfriend it just crushes me. I can't stand it. I get angry and aggitated and I can't sleep because all I can do is think that he's with someone else. And that he isn't really mine. I'm very much so his, but he is not mine. And I'm a very possesive type of person. The people I love are mine. I don't mind sharing them, but in the end they are still mine. And here I am with someone who I want to be mine SO FUCKING BAD and they aren't. They belong to someone else. And that just crushes me. It hurts pretty bad. But I guess I was kind of asking for it. Right now I'm just glad I get him at all. And I will enjoy it while I can.

And I'm going to cut myself off at that or else this will just go on forever.