A long needed update

So its been quite a while since I made any new entries. You can mostly thank depression for that. I've been slowly losing motivation and pleasure in anything over the past year in large quantities. So first I lost the enjoyment of writing, and after the enjoyment went away, it was no longer worth it to try. I was no longer able to overcome my motivation threshold, and just dropped it. But I'm going to try to take it up again.

Today, I went to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner. And I think this will work out well. I've been hesitant to go to doctors for my depression because last time I went, they just put me on meds with extreme hesitation and then supported me with about as much strength as a limp noodle. I was looking for  profession, guided help. What I got was someone who was wishy washy and acted like I should know how I want to be treated. She basically went "Well, I'm really unsure about everything, but here is what I THINK we should do, but feel free to say no(PLEASE say no), because I'm really unsure about helping you." You don't go to a doctor for that attitude. You go to a doctor to get a solution, to get help. A doctor is supposed to be all "Here's your problem. This isn't a 100% diagnosis, but seriously, its very likely. Here's how we can treat this problem. You are free to refuse, but I very much so highly recommend we do it. Here's the side effects for this treatment. But I think its worth it because I really think this is the best choice for you and here's why." That's how doctors should act. That's what I want my doctor to do, guide me as though they know what the fuck they're doing.

And that's what this guy did. I went in, and he just asked me lots of questions and instead of just saying, MEDS, he said SOLUTION. He didn't just look to solve everything by just giving me a prescription and sending me on my way. He wants to make me better. Yes, this means starting on medication. But the ultimate goal is helping me retrain and learn how to make my life less stressful and how to deal with it better and how to work around my predisposition to depression. And I've been having a lot of issues with attention and memory lately. Rather than just give me meds for that, he said that I need to fix my sleeping issues. Most doctors would just say ADD/ADHD, GIVE HER MEDS. But he asked further and figured out that I don't sleep much, and suffer from sleep deprivation. I expected my diagnosis to be depression(genetic)/ADHD. Instead I left with depression/predisposition/sleep disorder. So the first plan of action is to use meds to bring me up back into coping range rather than being stuck, then work to fix the sleep issues. Once that fixes, if I'm not much better, THEN he will consider ADD/ADHD. He gave me his opinion, explained himself thoroughly, and gave me a plan of action. He didn't expect me to give him my own plan of action or to object and just change it. He gave me a plan, and good reason to follow it. That and part of his plan is to fix my life. I'm prescribed to eat oatmeal for breakfast 3 times a week, real oatmeal, not in a package, because that's got lots of corn syrup, which is a bad plan for depression. Currently, I don't eat breakfast. So he's trying to fix that, because it attributes to the problem. He also told me the type of diet I should be on, but didn't expect me to necessarily change it immediately. He wants to fix my life so that although I have this problem, I'm better equipped to deal with it. And that's all I ever really wanted.

So for now, he put me on Welbutrin (most likely to help with the depression AND attention issues while we're working on fixing the sleep), and told me to take 1 mg of melatonin a couple hours before I want to go to bed to help train my body to move my circadian rhythm back to where I need it, and to eat oatmeal for breakfast at least 3 times a week to train my body to want to eat breakfast, plus oatmeal is apparently the best choice for people with depression as far as carbs go. Recommended to try not to eat carbs after lunch, protein and veggies for later in the day. And avoid caffeine more than 4 hours after waking up, since currently I'm using large doses of caffeine to counteract the large amounts of sleep deprivation. He gave me also a rough idea of how we will fix my sleep issues, but not to worry about that until the meds are leveled, probably 2 months from now. And I'm happy with this plan. He actually wants to fix the problem, not just cover it up.

I also liked that he hit the nail on the head when it came to identifying my psychology. Apparently, there are 3 types of emotional reaction people have. About 10% of the population are stoics. They have a very high reaction threshold, but when they react, its very sudden and usually fairly extreme. These people are usually very unemotional, but when they react, usually in anger, they react terribly. The reaction peaks, then slowly levels out. Then there's your average person, who has steady reactions and steady comedown from the reaction. Then there's the other 10% of people, who react a lot. They react very suddenly like the stoic, but they react much easier. And the reaction last longer before slowly leveling out. These people are usually CEOs, actors, those types. They attract people and are usually very creative. They also are very likely to have bipolar or depression disorders. They are hurt very easily. And that's me. I'm in the reactive 10%. He also identified that I'm very intelligent and far stronger than I seem, and have been through more than people generally tend to think. He actually was really bothered when I told him about how my stepfather used to punish us and expect us to behave, because he sees the true damage in it. He also looked to address any other physical problems I may have, such as thyroid problems or heart problems. I'm getting blood work and EKG done to make sure I don't have any problems beyond what I know already. He's very thorough, very knowledgeable, and very upfront. And I like that.

So, things are looking hopeful. We'll see how everything goes, but I think this guy is the best choice to help me through my issues.

Breaking the block

So it has been a long while since I wrote a post that I kept. I've started several, published, then deleted. Or just didn't finish and decided they weren't worth posting. But now I am ready to post something worthwhile.

I have determined that what I want in life is to be a successful artist. I don't know what kind of artist or in what way I will be in art, but art is my goal. It is what I want most in life. I have been hindered for several years by a terrible art block. No matter what, I just can't either see what I want, or hold on to it long enough to create it. But I'm done with that. I want to break that block. I am embarking on a personal journey to find the key to unlocking that part of me again. I don't know where it went, or why it went, just that it is blocked now. I will find a way to break through the barrier.

I am also determined to break my depression. As much as I know that science says I can't break it on my own, I WANT to. And therefor, I will do it. It has been dragging both myself and those around me down for too long. I realized that negativity is like a disease, and it spreads from one person to the next. I don't want to spread anger and sadness anymore. I'm tired of being that person, and I'm through with sleeping away a perfectly good day. I want more in this life, and I'm going to make it happen. I want to spread success and joy, not darkness and depression.

It may take me time. It will be a journey through myself. But I have set these a solid places that I must come to in order to be happy. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I WILL be happy. This I have set in myself to become truth. I will accomplish what I want, I will be successful.